Not the flower giving type? I feel you on that one. I can't in good conscience pay the amount of money cut flowers cost these days, considering I have a yard full of them that are much more alive, it would seem foolish to me. Not to mention the fact that, no matter how much money was spent on the cut flowers, they'll be gone to wilt in 3 days, if that. Don't get me wrong, my Aunt used to work at a flower shop for many years, so I can appreciate the need for cut flowers in certain circumstances, such as weddings, funerals, or other large events, maybe a first date or a first birthday even. First or second Valentine's Day, okay, but anything beyond that, giving them as a "present" on a birthday or holiday, is one of the most unoriginal things you can do to someone you love (mind you if you're just giving someone flowers because you think they're beautiful and you love them and it's Wednesday the 4th, nothing special, that's definitely acceptable). Utilizing flowers as a gift for anyone who means more to you than the local convenience store clerk you see once every other week, and forcefully nod 'hello' to on your way out from purchasing whatever slop that particular merchant was slinging, is a cop out, and you should be ashamed of yourself if that's the best you can do. Complete cop out. Hang your head in shame you disgraced samurai. To me, it screams: "Let me put zero original thought into a present for this individual, who is supposed to be my significant other, to whom I am tethered to, mind, body and soul, and supposed to know most intimately. Let's just phone it in because we don't want to use our brains for anything other than a hat rack at this point." If we're going to insult people on their birthdays or other random Hallmark holidays, we might as well just get a gift card and stuff it inside the bouquet of flowers, then deliver that package of thoughtless sadness to them. I mean, sweet mother of Mercy. Have we no original ideas as humans anymore? There are a few exceptions. For instance maybe your significant other has a certain fetish or obsession for freshly cut flowers and you feel the need to satisfy that sickness. Then by all means do so, I am not one to judge another human's infatuations, so I would understand your purchase. But if your reasoning for buying those half dead stalks of organic matter is not justified by the aforementioned rationale indicated above... you do it... you hang your head in shame.
Truth be told, if I bought my main squeeze flowers for Valentine's Day, it would be on the level of someone in my immediate family getting me a gift card for Christmas. Which, in my psychotic mind, would leave me feeling the same way someone might, for instance, driving down the highway after just buying some food from Taco Bell. Then, taking a bite into one of the recently purchased, crunchy shell tacos at 75 mph. Immediately after biting into said taco, recoiling in horror, preceding what can be only described as, full body convulsing, followed by projectile vomiting all over the windshield, nearly causing a five-car pile up on the highway, all while trying to maintain visibility through the massive amount of "up-chuck" on the glass. Root cause - the clump of greasy hair found by your mouth - intertwined throughout the clumps of poorly cooked meat within the taco shell. Yes, I am that serious about gift giving, and yes I have that much of a problem with gift cards.
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And yes, that appalling taco incident actually happened to me.
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I understand teenagers giving their Uncle a gift card because they're idiot teenagers, and they are completely self-absorbed and typically don't know how to shop for anything thoughtful because they're too busy playing the game, "Gift Shopping For Uncle's Birthday" on their phone or tablet, instead of actually shopping for gifts in real life. I understand giving children gift cards at a birthday party taking place at a Chuck E Cheese, because no matter what you bought the kid, these days, you'd be lucky to get an immature, zero social skill, zero eye contact 'thank you' grunt, under their breath, let alone expect any sort of thank you note from that prepubescent, borderline sociopathic, future Republican Senate elect or his zookeeper parents.
I'm of the opinion that gift-giving is an art form, and I take it very seriously. My people know this about me and would never do such a careless thing, like throw a piece of plastic in a card at me, thinking it would placate my need for some sort of real present on my birthday. So, I'm lucky in that sense. My people know I'm insane, so it's been a long time since I've been blindsided by a Visa gift card or a $25 Olive Garden / Carrabba's / Chipotle card. Cash is questionable, but I can't say it shows no effort because these days, it takes effort to go get cash. So, I can't discount its merits as a valid gift, or say it cheapens gift-giving. I love cash. So, if you want to give me money towards a dinner you plan on setting up for me, by all means set the dinner up and give me the cash, I'll pay the bill at the door. But you give me cash. Do not buy that Carrabba's gift card dude.
With the gift card I feel as though, not only are you giving me a gift card to a shitty restaurant, but you're telling me what I should do with the money you are allocating towards a present that's supposed to be for me. It's like some weird element of control over the present, the gift card is saying "hello I'm a gift with a built-in catch". Not to mention now, for the next six months, every time I talk to you, there's this weird underline obligation for me to tell you whether or not I used the Carrabba's gift card. It puts more awkwardness on every social interaction I have with you which is already awkward to begin with. The more extreme version, you don't trust me to take the cash and go to dinner, you don't think I will properly use the money you're giving me, like I'm a child, or Jack from Jack and the beanstalk. From the perspective of your twisted melon, you believe that I'm going to buy some magic beans in the tent of some weird mole ridden gypsy at a bazaar that doesn't exist, instead of food. Or better yet, I'm a crack fiend that needs to spend all cash he receives on crack, nothing else. By the way, just for arguments sake, what the hell am I going to get for $25 at Carrabba's anyway? Half an entree? In actuality, by giving me that gift card, you just cost me $75. Even if I only take my woman with me, at the end of the night it's going to cost at least a hundred bucks all together. And, maybe you should consider this scenario: I'm on the way to Carrabba's with your gift card, made reservations, getting there ahead of time, and then BAM... tractor trailer truck T-Bones me at the light as I'm turning into that predictable looking shopping strip that holds that sorry excuse of Italian restaurant you deemed appropriate for a night on the town. Your $25 piece of plastic just got me into a car accident, and now I'm out of work for 6 months because I busted my neck up. So, that's what I'm looking at potentially. Traffic jams, neck injuries, hospital bills, questions from highway patrolman about how much alcohol I've consumed, and bail money from my woman, who spilled her sippy cup of wine all over my gabardine slacks when we got into the accident, so now it looks like I'm driving drunk. In all likelihood, I get locked up for it. Is that what you want? Look what you're carelessness has just done to me. Literally has ruined my life. Your Carrabba's gift card has destroyed me. Thank you for the present bro. I'll be sure and return the favor next year.
And please don't give me that weak crap, "oh you know it's really tight around the holidays". Bullshit. Make something with your hands idiot. Go outside, cut a branch, make an ornament. Forgetting the destitute, I have zero dollars in the bank way of living for a second (and I've been there), how about you just buy, oh I don't know, anything?! Go to the grocery store and get me some Twinkies, that will only cost you like four bucks or something. The box of Twinkies would probably be one of the best presents I've ever received. I'm not looking for monetary value, I'm looking for thought, I'm looking for acknowledgment, I'm looking for somebody to not say, oh let's just get him a gift card and jam it in some weirdly worded, "almost but not quite" what you wanted to say birthday card, then haphazardly toss it at me with an expression that doesn't require a psychic to see your inner monologue saying, "thank God this is over with" . I'd rather you got me nothing and just say, "hey douchebag, screw you and your no gift card policy, how about I get you a big pile of zero this year? Here ya go!" All while giving me the finger.
A gift card cheapens the entire act of giving gifts, although again, like cut flowers, they can serve a purpose. There is a time and a place where gift cards are very appropriate. Enter Bill, the dude from your office who you don't really know that well and would never invite over your house cuz he seems like maybe he's a creeper on some level, and you don't want him near your children, but you still see Bill all the time, and you don't want to be an asshole when it's his birthday. Even the alleged creepers deserve a day, so you get him a gift card from "everyone". And there we go. That's completely appropriate. The relationship dictates the gift selection. On the surface it says, "Bill I don't think you're the creepshow that everybody assumes you are (we still actually think that, we just don't need any more awkward moments in the office), so here is a present for your birthday, and since we don't know you that well, because you're some weird, introverted, anti social freak, who doesn't share with anyone. You just occasionally scream at delivery boys or stare at Janet's ass for such a long period of time, it borders on the necessity of a sexual harassment seminar, or sob and yell at your electronic devices, alone, in your empty office, after hours. Because that's really normal. Nevertheless we have collectively decided to get you a gift card. We have no idea what it is you like, however we have seen you eat pizza in the same manner a rabid monkey may indulge himself in such a treat a number of times, so here's a Domino's Pizza gift card. Happy birthday you weirdo. It says, we're acknowledging who you are and the position you hold in our office. But for God's sake, we don't want to know you anymore personally than we already do.
So back to the matter at hand. Maybe your reasoning is you don't like the unoriginal idea of giving someone cut flowers as a gift. Maybe you have no money to get a gift. Maybe you want to give the girl or guy who has everything, something original. Maybe you're looking for a unique idea that is a new spin on an old favorite, and also show your significant other that you not only remembered [insert holiday/birthday here], but you also cared enough to put time and effort into crafting a gift for them. It shows you care because you put time into it, so it doesn't matter what it is. Admittedly this is a very simple gift to create however in my experiences it speaks miles and shows thoughtfulness and care.
Enter the Scrap Yard Flower.
